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A Marriage Built Upon God's Word by Carl B. Garner The world is full of experts on the subject of marriage and the home today. From the disciplines of education, psychology, sociology and philosophy have come books and seminars on the condition of modern marriage in this last decade of the twentieth century. Some are better than others, but some are so filled with modern thought that they are virtually worthless. Seldom does the Bible come into play in these expert productions, for the authors see no need for “authoritarian, outdated” writings. Divorce is the accepted means of solving marital problems in the minds of many. Even infidelity is looked upon as having “healthy” effects, eventuating in increased commitment to one another! But a quick glance at the newspapers and your neighborhood will tell you that these “easy” solutions are not really solutions at all. Rather they are the blueprint for “homes” in which none of the children have the same last name and where none of them gives honor to Jehovah who instituted marriage in the first place. It is my privilege to address this great and sublime subject, “As for me and my house.” Even our secular writers have said for years, “As goes the home, so goes the nation.” The fact is, whether modern sociologists like it or not, God ordained the home as the cornerstone of the nations all over the world. And the demise, or at least the reduction of the influence of the godly home is exhibiting the very effects that would be expected: immorality, divorce, lack of respect for human life, rebellion among the youth, scandal in every segment of society. To recognize that these symptoms are found in the homes of our brethren, of elders, deacons, and of gospel preachers, is but to recognize that which is obvious to all. For some reason, marriages are not producing the fruit intended by Jehovah, and I think I know the reason. Most marriages today are not built upon the precepts found in God’s Word, the Bible, and often those marriages that originated with these precepts are not being properly maintained. What Makes Marriages Fail? It can be useful to consider the attitudes and actions that have brought about the decline of the home and its scriptural influence. Many factors have led us to our present condition, any one of which has the destructive element capable of being the cause. First of all, scripture has less effect on the choices men make today than in the past. Men and women have been convinced by humanist philosophies that there is no need for either God or a book purporting to be from God. Therefore, when seeking a mate or preparing for marriage, merely their own wisdom is considered, not the wisdom of God. Specific passages that prohibit divorce for other than fornication are often ignored or unknown, therefore the scriptures’ influence has been diminished. Second, our modern culture has made new guidelines for existing institutions. Both male and female activist groups have sought extended power in today’s society, and if the Bible obstructs their goal, then the Bible will just have to take a lesser place. Third, there seems to be little by way of preparation for marriage in modern families. Yes, there are many opportunities for a young man to learn how to father a child, but little instruction on how to be a father. So, we are well-versed in sex education, but ill prepared to take care of the responsibilities that go with what they have learned. Fourth, young men and women today have little idea of what to expect in marriage. Some think it will be the end of all their problems, while others think it will just be the end of their freedom. Many today marry for companionship alone, or for independence from strong-willed parents, or to display their grown-up status of independence, or other reasons equally inadequate, and they have been terribly disillusioned. Fifth, divorce has become so common and so acceptable to our culture that it is now a viable alternative to a relationship that is perceived to be beyond repair or beyond our desire for its repair. Parents and grandparents are often examples of divorce. Presidents, entertainers, athletes and other “role models” have left a legacy of divorce and praised the “dignity” that can be attained even by those who have divorce in their background. Why then are we surprised that many homes do not even begin with the intent of maintaining the sanctity of that marriage. Let us now consider what it takes for a marriage to be built upon God’s Word. Each Candidate for Marriage Must Be Scripturally Eligible to Marry When two people decide to marry in harmony with God’s Word they must first find out what God’s Word says on their eligibility for marriage. Let it be known that Jesus said that marriage is an option available only to those who meet certain qualifications. They must first of all possess certain qualifications in order to build a marriage upon God’s Word. Both candidates must either (a) never have been married before, or (b) have been widowed, or (c) scripturally have put away their previous spouse on grounds of infidelity (see Matt 5:31-32, 19:3-9, Mark 10:2-12, Rom 7:1-3, 1 Cor 7:1-40). This subject is covered elsewhere, but unless both individuals who plan marriage are qualified in the light of God’s Word, they cannot claim to have built their marriage on the precepts therein. Without being thus qualified there will always be a cloud upon their marriage. And, with such doubt in this area, it becomes tempting for either or both partners to question and then abandon other qualifying standards for biblical marriage. Sadly, these practices not only damn their present marriage, but they are usually passed on to their children who then follow the example of their parents in building marriages on equally unstable and unscriptural foundations. There Must Be A Determination To Make The Marriage Work Modern views on marriage often include the unwritten “loophole clause” that if things don’t work out, divorce is always an alternative. But, even if that were true, beginning a marriage (or any endeavor) without the determination to be successful and enduring makes longevity that much more difficult and unlikely. At least one strike is already against such marriage, for difficulties, hardships and disagreements are inevitable in any marriage. With the “alternative” of divorce constantly being thought of as a happy solution to their dilemma, each controversy, whether large or small, will have the potential for destroying the marriage. This determination must be built upon the understanding of the permanence of marriage. I cannot perceive an age for a child that would be too early for this principle to be taught. Indeed, this may be the reason many do not grow up with this biblical view of marriage. They will hear the “alternative” to marriage among their school mates, see it on the television screen and in magazines, read it in modern textbooks, and may even receive advice in this direction from preachers and elders who are equally uncommitted to the permanence of marriage. When they heed this “advice” they will not be building their marriage on the foundation of God’s Word, but on the unscriptural notions of man. My wife and I were privileged, for the first five years of our children’s lives, to hear the Bible preached by Johnny Ramsey. He taught us, both parents and children, emphasizing the truths of God’s Word on marriage and the home. I will forever be indebted to Johnny and Iris Ramsey for their teaching and their influence during those years in which we and our children were shaping our home. Their example and emphasis on the home as God desires it was a major factor in my determination to make every effort to provide instruction in those same biblical principles to every person who heard me preach. Why would not every Gospel preacher make the same vow? He who fails to do so makes no friends and expresses no love for others, for the most important information anyone can possess is that which leads them to heaven, and the absence of that information can only condemn them to hell. The wise man said it in these inspired words: “Open rebuke is better than secret love” (Prov 27:5). There Must Be A Determination to Choose The Right Mate When God stated that it was “not good that the man should be alone,” He said, “I will make him an help meet for him” (Gen 2:18). According to Strong, the term “meet” means “one who helps, suitable.” More about this later. Our culture’s methods for choosing a mate in marriage is often flawed in that the more important traits a man or woman should look for in a mate are often ignored in favor of those that are more temporarily important. Physical attraction, while an important part of the marriage relationship, can overcome ones’ more significant needs for longevity in marriage. It is not likely that our customs of courtship and marriage will change, so it is incumbent upon parents to prepare their children for this vital choice in their life, that of choosing a mate that will truly be “one who helps.” One might ask, “Helps what?” And the answer comes in clarion tones: “Helps me to be all that I as a husband/wife can and ought to be.” Assuming that a person is a Christian, this choice can easily be the one that determines his/her eternal destiny. But how does one make this choice? What are some of the characteristics that a parent should teach a growing child to look for in a mate? My years of working with university students included many sessions and many more lessons on this very subject. One of the very first assignments I gave was to make a “descending priority list” of those traits and qualities they thought were most necessary in a mate. Usually this was the first time they had ever thought along these lines. Most had never received any instruction on this subject, and were just planning to “follow their instincts.” We all know, however, that our “instincts” do not always lead in a direction that serves our own best interests, much less the spiritual interests that have eternal consequences. Please consider the following suggested list of priority questions a Christian should consider before they choose a mate: Is he/she a Christian? A genuine Christian; one who seeks to follow in the steps of Jesus in their every day life? One who seeks first the Kingdom (Matt 6:33) can hardly be effective if he/she marries someone who is not even a part of that kingdom (See the next major sub-heading). Does he/she have integrity? This person will be your partner in marriage, your professional pursuits, as a parent and in your social life. Can you depend upon their honesty and their character to maintain the principles you hold as dear and important? Will he/she help me to put God and His kingdom first in my life? What this question really asks is, “Can I depend on this person to help me go to heaven?” What a powerful question for every prospective bride or groom. Will he/she be the father/mother my children need? Will our children be taught to serve the Lord with thanksgiving? Will they see an example of Christian living that they can follow? Will she be willing to be a “keeper at home” as demanded in Titus 2:5? Can she be depended upon to “bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully” (1 Tim 5:14)? Will he be a diligent husband, capable and willing to “provide...for his own” (1 Tim 5:8)? Do you see evidence of his industry, initiative and leadership? Will he/she make our home a place of happiness, peace, contentment and love? Are both of you knowledgeable of and willing to abide by God’s stated role for the husband and the wife as seen in 1 Timothy 2, Ephesians 5, Colossians 3 and Titus 2? Is he/she worthy of your respect? Can you be pleased to live with him/her and honored to carry his name or see her carrying yours? Are your likes and dislikes similar enough that you can be comfortable living with and caring for each other for the rest of your lives, in both good times and hard times? These considerations are just a beginning, but if we will be honest and objective in our consideration of a prospective mate, many problems can be averted even before they arise. There Must Be A Determination To “Approve Things That Are Excellent” We live in a world of myriad choices, and some of the available choices are better than others. But many marriages today are broken and dissolved because of low living and low resolve. The choices available to people in our nation are often overwhelming compared to those from other cultures. Food, entertainment, hobbies, sports and social relationships are all thrown at us from every direction and in every form of technology available. The consequences of these choices are seldom recognized, especially if they are harmful to us, whether physically or spiritually. The most noble among us find satisfaction in choosing those matters that do not offend or cause harm to others. They choose the good over the evil; the better over the worst. We applaud these choices, especially when we recognize the results that eventuate from the “evil” choices. But Paul prayed that the Philippians would do better than that. Of course, God has always expected man to “approve things that are excellent.” “And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ” (Phil 1:9-10). Note the phrase “approve things...excellent” in this context. The word approve implies putting various choices to the test, and the word excellent has the force of choosing that which is the very best choice, the excellent choice as compared with the good choice. This is not just splitting hairs as some might suggest, but a challenge for Christians to look beyond the average, the easier choices, but always to make the very best choice available to the Christian. Jesus used this very word to denote the degree to which a human’s worth is greater in the eyes of Jehovah than that of the “sparrow” or even “many sparrows” (Matt 6:26, 10:31). It is also used to contrast the “glory” of the resurrection body with that of our mortal body (1 Cor 15:41). There are some things more glorious, more valuable and more excellent than others. It is that excellence that draws us away from the world and toward the love of God. This must be the mind-set of each individual in a home built upon the Word of God. When choosing a profession, a form of recreation, a hobby, friends, social activities, our apparel; in all these things we are seeking the choice that goes beyond the “good” choice and concentrates upon the choice that is “excellent.” The ethical question in time of doubt will not be, “What’s wrong with______?”, but what is the best thing, the excellent choice that the Christian should make? We may not always be able to discern the excellent choice; at times there may be several good choices, and any one of them be right, but the Christian will always be careful to search for and make the choice that is best , the excellent choice.This will be done, not for the purpose of displaying our righteousness before others, but because in this way we will always be fair to others, to God and ultimately to ourselves and to our marriage. When a marriage is built upon this kind of foundation each partner can have the deepest confidence in the other, thus enabling them to deepen their love for one another and consequently love and serve God to the greatest degree. The “Iron Sharpeneth Iron” Principle Must Be Put To Work What we need and what we want are not always the same. In fact, what we want may be the very opposite of what we need. One quick glance at the doughnut display - I said quick glance - serves to establish that point. The relationship between males and females have seen wide, sweeping changes as the centuries have passed, and this rests at the heart of today’s struggle that includes husbands and wives. While God has given very clear and precise roles for both males and females, our society has decided that those roles are no longer valid. They have, in fact, made their own guide-lines regarding those roles, and in their guidelines, the Bible has been ignored. God’s roles for men and women include some restrictions and limitations on both genders. In reading such passages as 1 Corinthians 14:28, 1 Timothy 2:12, Ephesians 5:22, 28, we see the specifics of those roles prescribed by Jehovah. Some have overlooked the fact that, in the home, constantly facing the pressures and frustrations of human existence, both husband and wife, father and mother possess qualities that are invaluable to the other. One quality that is vitally needed by both is reflected in the words of Proverbs 27:17: “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.”Accordingly, there are times when both partners need the quality of “iron” to be possessed by the other. Males often have desired an inappropriate power over females, preferring little more than lace, fluff and weakness. However, those qualities, as desirable as they may be considered by husbands, are not always what is needed. When tough times come, a husband needs a wife that can “sharpen the countenance” of her man. The children need a father that possesses not mere physical strength and ambition but also integrity, confidence and encouragement. A wife needs more than a “bread-winner” and protector; she needs a companion, a friend and a helper. In the home, the Bible says that the husband is the head of the wife, Ephesians 5:23, and that the wife is to be in subjection to her husband (Col 3:18). However, the wife is also given a place of “rule” in the home and in the family. “I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide [“rule” in the ASV, cbg] the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully” (1 Tim 5:14). God made woman for man (1 Cor 11:8), yet not to be a slave or an object of his power, but because man needed woman. She is to be a “helpmeet” (Gen 2:18), or a helper suitable for his needs and his noble purposes. W. E. Vine says the word “rule” or “guide” is from oikodespotein, indicating “management of and direction of household affairs.” There is no doubt that the woman is intended to have an area of rule, of domain, or as Rienecker says, to be “master of a house” (p.631). And that is true because God decreed it to be so, and that is because “iron sharpeneth iron.” A man may think he wants someone who merely bows to his every whim, his every desire. But he really needs what God has ordained that woman is to be. He does not need a rubber stamp, but one who will “sharpen his countenance,” and will spur him on to being a better husband, employee, father and servant of God. She can and must do that because only “iron sharpeneth iron.” Marriage was always intended to be a partnership in the highest sense, and never a dictatorship, because it is God who ordained and instituted the home to be the basis our our society. Husbands are to “give honor to the woman, as unto the weaker vessel, as being joint-heirs of the grace of life: to the end that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Pet 3:7). She is to be given “honor,” or esteem and value. While she may be the “weaker vessel,” she is a precious vessel, one worthy of trust, respect, confidence and love. Many a godly home exists today because husband and wife together recognize God’s will for their relationship, and because they are willing to sharpen the countenance of each other. No home can truly be built upon God’s Word until the members of that home are willing to recognize this principle and implement it in their attitudes and their behavior toward each other. Mutual Desire To Put The Kingdom of God First in Their Lives Any entity has priorities, whether written and understood or not. In many homes, first place goes to economics, sports, pleasure, hobbies, friends or other pursuits. These are not necessarily out of place in a home, but the priority given is often found to be out of harmony with that of a godly home. Before we can “approve things that are excellent,” we must determine the standard by which we make these choices. It was Jesus who spoke on this matter. In the Sermon on The Mount, Jesus taught many complex but practical principles. In connection with a discussion of His disciples’ priorities, He said, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matt 6:32-33). Our very first priority must be “the kingdom of God, and his righteousness,” and a marriage between two people whose priorities are so ordered can be a most beautiful thing to experience. On the other hand, no marriage can be built upon the Word of God while refusing to put that kingdom first in every action, influence and decision. The child of God who is married to someone whose priorities are contrary to this is destined to face many obstacles, pitfalls and difficulties in that marriage. But when both husband and wife put Christ and His church first in their lives they will have the foundation upon which a beautiful and satisfying marriage can be built. Among others, the following will result when both husband/father and wife/mother put the Kingdom of God first in their lives: It will result in their putting Christ first in the decisions they make concerning their professional life. Money, while a vital ingredient in any family’s life, will not be the principal factor in choosing a means of supporting the family. Neither the job nor the location of the work will be such that the family will be so hindered in their service to Christ that they are ineffective as Christians. It will result in the parents always using scriptural precepts in deciding and in helping their children to decide where they go, what they do for recreation, the friendships they form, the way they adorn themselves, the forms of entertainment to which they lend themselves, and the way they spend their time, talent and energy. It will result in their determining to put Christ first in their life in the way and the amount of their contribution to the Lord’s work. This will include giving of their “firstfruits” (Exod 23:16-19; Num 18:12), not the leftovers of their bounty, for after all, “The earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell in them” (Psa 24:1). They will have “purposed in their heart” the amount of their contribution, thereby teaching their children the great lesson of liberality in their giving. It will result in their predetermining that spiritual matters will always take precedence over secular matters. Their attendance at all assemblies of the church will be a given, not dependent upon their own convenience, but upon the fact that such comes first in their life. The mind-set in their home does not include the question, “Are we going to Bible class today?” Neither ball games, school activities, visiting company, hobbies nor any other activity will come before their diligent and attentive attendance when their brothers and sisters in Christ assemble to study the Bible or worship Jehovah. Both Husband and Wife Must Be Willing and Able to Communicate One area in which the “experts” are usually in agreement is on the subject of communication. When husband and wife, parents and children do not have open lines of communication with each other, misunderstandings and squabbles are soon to follow. When Paul wrote to the Ephesians about the love that a husband should have for his wife, the clear implication is that that love must not only be felt by the husband but also communicated to the wife (Eph 5:25). Jesus’ love for the church is communicated to us by means of His Word and the example He set before us. He not only loved the church, but He “gave himself up for it.” Words are one way in which we communicate our feelings to others, but actions also speak loudly in getting that point across to others. The familiar maxim, “Actions speak louder than words” has merit, but actions do not take the place of words. When Jesus had a disciple that was wavering in his faith, He talked to him (John 20:24-29). When God had a problem with Ahab and Jezebel, he communicated with them by means of the prophets Elijah and Micaiah (1 Ki 18, 20, 21-22). When David’s sin separated him from God, Nathan communicated with him (2 Sam 11-12). When Christians in Ephesus and Caesarea feared for Paul’s life, they openly communicated their feelings to each other (Acts 20:37, 21:12-14). When Jacob contemplated leaving the house of Laban, he communicated these thoughts to his family (Gen 31:4-16). And when husbands and wives have problems, are disappointed, make plans or contemplate changes, they also should communicate these matters with each other. If a husband and wife plan on building their home upon the Word of God, they must also plan on some straight communication with each other. It will avert serious problems down the road, and it will strengthen the marriage bond between them. Firm And Loving Parental Guidance What a privilege it is to have children as gifts from the Lord. The psalmist was right on target when he wrote, “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate” (Psa 127:3-5). But we know that every privilege results in certain responsibilities, and in the matter of children those responsibilities have eternal consequences. As pleasant and satisfying as it can be to be a parent, it is a relationship fraught with many potential difficulties. These difficulties are multiplied in certain geographic and societal areas, for children are influenced by so many facets of our culture. The various media influences exert tremendous power over the youth of today, and they always have. It is the Christian parent’s responsibility to make sure that godly influences overpower that of satanic influences. The home typified as the norm on TV and in the movies is usually one of two kinds: either 1) completely “laid back,” casual, everyone doing their “own thing,” including the parents; or 2) the parents are complete fools, whether abusive or negligent, and the only intelligent members of the family are the children. I’m sure there are many families out there for which these descriptions are appropriate, but they are not the norm, the rule, the kind of family everyone has. And a child growing up with such a home as a model of their future home will likely have very warped views of what that home should be. Discipline in many homes today is virtually non-existent. If you do not believe this is true, talk with any educator today. Our schools are often populated by children that have had little or no discipline, and learning becomes only a secondary product thereof. It is not the fault of the school, for discipline is virtually illegal in many districts, and any form of punishment is frowned upon or worse. But it does not have to be this way. In every home built upon the principles of the Word of God there will be loving discipline. Each child will be trained and disciplined by firm yet loving parents who seek only their children’s best interests. The children, knowing that their parents love them and care for them, will accept this training in the spirit in which it is offered. This may be more ideal than real, for both parents and children are susceptible to lapses in proper behavior, but this will always be the goal sought for and desired. We could hardly say that all Bible children had ideal upbringing. Joseph was reared by a father who exhibited a degree of partiality that alienated him from his brothers. Absalom and Amnon were sons of David, whose fatherly behavior left much to be desired. Eli’s sons, Hophni and Phinehas, “made themselves vile,” and Eli refused to “restrain” them. From these and others we can gain insight into the problems of parenthood and also the solutions appropriate to those problems. Nearly thirty years ago I taught a children’s class in our Family Bible School. We talked about the home, parents and children, rules, and other facets of the Christian home. One of the children’s assignments was to make a list of ways their parents could improve their home. Their answers were especially wise, considering the children were only sixth graders. Perhaps Christian parents today could learn from these children’s “wishes.” The question they answered was: “What could your parents do that would make your home happier?” “Christ would be happy if we did more prayer and studied more of God’s Word.” “Respect each other.” “By being more courteous around the house.” “By taking the family to Bible class” (“taking” was underlined twice on this child’s paper). “Do things with us.” “Not yelling at each other.” “Don’t make something BIG out of a LITTLE thing.” “They could be better Christians.” “They could listen to us more often.” “They could not embarrass us so much.” Consider the following passages of scripture that bear on this subject: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen 2:24). “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Prov 22:6). “Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord” (Col 3:20). “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.....Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Eph 5:22, 25). “For I know him [Abraham, cbg], that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him” (Gen 18:19). “In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house....For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not” (1 Sam 3:12-13). Conclusion There is no sweeter word in our language than home. Men and women have fought and died for lesser values than this. But the home is threatened today, and the only solution is to build every home on the Word of God. There are trials and challenges in every marriage, but they can become stepping-stones if husbands love their wives and wives respect and love their husbands. Children add a powerful ingredient to a marriage, one that cannot be replaced by anything else, regardless of the amount of money or influence a person may have. The eternal destiny of all of us depends upon how we conduct ourselves in our home. Nothing can substitute for a child’s earliest remembrances of “home.” The beautiful thing is that we can mold that memory and make it one that can guide him/her for years to come. And it can even guide that child’s family for generations that come after them. All of us will leave a legacy to our children. What legacy will you leave for your children?